FiGhTinG mY dEmoNs.....

Ever feel like you are on the edge of a cliff and behind you is a hungry pursuing lion? The only choice you can make is to either jump off or get eaten? well.. I'm sorta like that now...

Ever feel that whatever you do for yourself or other people is never enough? You smile but never seems to smile wide enough, you run but never seems to be fast enough, cry but never seems to be worthwhile... You've changed but its to pointless to mean anything.. and many other things that you try to do.. and have tried doing your best, but never seems to be good enough? Now.. this is the kind of battle my mind is doing right now...well.. lately..

I'm pouring out my pain, anger, sadness, whatever u want to call it in this page... and hope one day I'll resolve it.. and it'll desolve. You can say that I'm an outspoken character... People used to and some (although getting less) still do.. call me hot-blodded, sarcastic, quick tempered, LOUD, strictly business.. whatever you want to call it.. except NICE, soft-spoken, lady like and the rest. I don't tell bulls**t about anything, especially to my friends. Maybe I'm not the best person to get comfort from.. but I've always tried to...I'm sincere in what I do and that's not trying to boast, but I do. I won't do anything and be anything I'm not. You talk to me about anything I will tell you what I have in mind. If it came out like an advice or preaching, well, that's how I speak but tou will get the truth... I don't give little white lies just because it makes u feel better, but then will kill you... I rather not say anything... (hm.. maybe that's something I should do from now on.. just nod and not be me! hey.. maybe that'll work...!) Then people told me: "why can't you change the way you talk? Maybe people will accept u better..."

That's what I'm trying to say... I have.. I tried to be more sensitive with other people's feeling, cos I know not everyone can handle the truth.... told bluntly... I tried to be more soft-spoken than commanding... I tried to be friendlier and friendlier everyday... I tried to help in anyway I can (but I only do it if I'm sincere)... But then, i guess for other people, I haven't tried hard enough maybe... cos to them there's always something that I do that's wrong (i think that will make me a human rite..?)and unacceptable... so no more heart-to-heart with me, no worries if don't invite me, ok to forget that I exist, just take me for granted.. "she's a strong person and tough... so she'll come through...!! don't worry about how she feels.."


Anyways, I'm just pouring out lots of crap here... I don't get angry and bitter easily.. so not the type... more the 'dont take it to heart' type. But i have never felt so wrong in my life.. and never feel so left out by people I care so much about, and just never feel...... AARRGGGGHHHHHHHH....!!!!!!!!!! before...

seriously, i'm sort of tired of trying... at least for now I'm having a break from trying to change.. Don't get me wrong... I don't say I'm the victim here and please symphatise with me! Hell no!!! I just need a medium to pour my heart out. I'm not perfect, that's why I'm trying to change to be better and I know I make mistakes... But don't you? Bu my question is why do I have to be the one cornered with tough choices? Why do I have to be the one who change and expected to accept other people's weaknesses when they won't even accept mine? I told other people the truth, but what I get is a gossip, or backstabbing, or whatever u want to call it. Why do I have to put up with it? Is it what they called a part of God's moulding process? Can anyone tell me? Why? Normally, before I put it in the blog, I've resolved my feeling... but... this time... I'm too consumed in hurt that I think I'm blinded by the truth... And I think I need lots of prayers... LOTS! So if you have some spare time... just mention my name to Him will you? Eventhough you don't understand why on earth I'm on about.. but He does.. so.. just remind Him to drop some help down here.

I thought I have two choices which both leads to death.. as in sin... but I know there's a third choice... I can go back, stand strong and take my chances to fight the lion! I might get more scars and cuts and bruises, but when I win it, I'll come through braver and stronger in faith. God showed me a little bright light at the corner of my mind that's telling me... You can win the battle, but you've got to start trying! ..... but right now... I just can't...